My Path to Inner Peace
Hello all,
My name is Mike and I’m an alcoholic. I want to start by telling you a bit about myself; establishing by bona fides as it were. I was born in Texas in 1985 to high schoolers who were unfamiliar with contraception. My father soon joined the U.S. Air Force while my mother stayed at home with myself and my younger sister. They divorced soon after she was born. As it turns out, it’s not very common to meet your happily-ever-after at a party following a rivalry football game. Both were remarried within a few years. I’m not going to delve to deeply into childhood. That shall be saved for a future post. Suffice to say, I was a very unhappy teenager; angry at the world and full of blame for others. This continued into adulthood.
Though I waited until my 21st birthday to start drinking (I promise, it’s true!!) I made up for lost time. Dropped out of college. Bounced around between jobs working in restaurants; even did a stint as a prison guard. Nothing was working out but at least it wasn’t my fault. Others were always to blame. Eventually, I decided to join the U.S. Navy. I was 25 and didn’t have many other long-term prospects so I figured, why not?! I also met my wife during this time period…more on her later. Navy life was quite fun. I spent nine months in Virginia Beach, VA for my primary school. I don’t remember much; most off time was spent drinking and trying not to get caught when we did stupid stuff. Unfortunately, that didn’t always work. A few classmates and I got into some serious trouble. Like, almost got kicked out of the Navy trouble. It wasn’t my fault though. They acted fools and I was present so I also got to share the blame. Fortunately, we were allowed to stay in though I certainly didn’t curb my drinking. Why would I? I’m not the one doing stupid things.
Moving ahead a few years; I was married and living in Norfolk, VA. My wife was pregnant as well. The Navy needed me to go on a couple deployments to the Middle East. Luckily, I was sent to the United Arab Emirates. I spent seven months deployed to Dubai…life doesn’t get much better than that. There is so much to do when not at work. Unfortunately, I didn’t do much. My off time was spent in my room with a bottle (or two depending on what I had to do the next day.) Things were fine though. My work productivity never diminished (that I noticed) so it was fine if I enjoyed the occasional drink(ing binge.) My son was born while I was deployed, an incident that sent me spiraling into a depression from which I barely escaped. I didn’t get to see my son until he was four months old. That time was rough but it was acceptable to blackout every night…right? It’s the Navy’s fault for keeping me away.
By the time I returned home and was able to see and hold my son for the first time, I was filled with bitterness and rage. Feelings that had been there since childhood but I had managed to keep buried. I kept those feelings under control by drinking at least 5–6 nights a week. Hiding drinks so my wife wouldn’t realize how much I was consuming. It was at this time that I first started to acknowledge that I was an alcoholic. I was still a functional adult though! Things were fine! And then the DUI….
You would think that getting a DUI would make a person change their ways, and maybe it does for a lot of people. Not for me. The DUI coincided with a move to Washington D.C. A new command, new opportunities to change who I was and get back on a good path. The Navy put me in their Substance Abuse Rehabilitation Program (SARP). This led to my first stint of sobriety. I was sober for four months…until a friend came to town. He and I picked up right where we had left off; I barely remember his visit…I know we went to the mall but the rest is a blur. Sobriety wasted but it wasn’t my fault. If he hadn’t come to town, I would have stayed sober. Back to SARP for another try. I lasted three months this time, every day spent in misery. I hated being sober and I resented those around me for being able to drink.
The second relapse is what did me in. Another friend came to town (sensing a trend here) and I ended up on a five-day bender, missing several days of work. This time, the Navy didn’t put me back in SARP, they sent me straight to rehab. I was still bitter, didn’t want to be there, just wanted to be left alone. Lo and behold, 28 days of intensive counseling taught me to see things more clearly. My stint in rehab taught me several things about myself; of paramount importance was that I was worth a damn. That I’m more than my mistakes…and yes, they were my mistakes. I learned to accept responsibility for the things in my life. I had been letting life happen to me, being very reactive. I needed to take charge of my life, put myself (and my sobriety) first for a change. I needed to stop listening to that negative voice inside my head. Shut out those (including myself) who say I’m not good enough or I don’t deserve happiness.
My last drink was 08Oct2019. It’s been over two years and I couldn’t be better. My time in rehab, as well as the innumerable counseling sessions since, have led to this moment. A lifetime of bitterness, resent, and inner turmoil have given way to true and lasting inner peace. I know who I am and I know that I am worth it. My name is Mike Smith and I look forward to sharing more with you as we move forward.
Keep calm, carry on, and may the Force be with you.